woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
