I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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