do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
