in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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