Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
