Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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