so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
