I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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