i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
