I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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