now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
