So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
