Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
