remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
