Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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