i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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