I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
