Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
