mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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