Have you finally orgasmed yet?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
