At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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