this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
