What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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