I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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