Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
