I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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