he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
