She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
