I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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