Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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