We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
