nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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