A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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