my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
