Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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