It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
