I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
