What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
