I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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