Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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