You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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