If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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