Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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