shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
