You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
