I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
