Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
