The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
