i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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