Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
