my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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