I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
