It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
