He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
