My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
