Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
