I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
