new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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